


5 times Yuri really wanted to kill someone and didn’t, and 1 time…

by ICanSeeClearlyNow



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angler Fish, Angry Yuri Plisetsky, Crack, Curses, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Gen, M/M, Magical Realism, POV Yuri Plisetsky, T Rated for swearing, Yuri Plisetsky Is So Done, Yuri has the power, Zamboni Roulette 2019, almost constantly, i think, unfortunately for everyone else
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 12:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18315506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ICanSeeClearlyNow/pseuds/ICanSeeClearlyNow
Summary: Yuri has the ability to curse people and objects if he gets too angry, and of course, our darling kitten is angry just about all the time, at everything."Yuri watched as Victor came right up to Katsudon on the ice and his jaw dropped as Victor lifted Katsudon’s chin and attempted to put out megawatts of charm… by.. .running… his… fucking… thumb… along… jeez! He could feel his finger tingling and he fisted his hand trying to prevent the magic escaping, but he knew it was too late, his emotions were too high."





	5 times Yuri really wanted to kill someone and didn’t, and 1 time…

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mamodewberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamodewberry/gifts).



> This is my gift for [Mamodewberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamodewberry) for the Zamboni Roulette 2019 crack fic exchange. The prompts were Angler Fish (her dislike) and Lasagna Gender Reveal (random prompt). I hope you like it and I'm sorry.
> 
> If you've read Roald Dahl's The Magic Finger, then you'll know exactly where I'm going with this.
> 
> If not then enjoy the stupidity!

##  1\. What’s new Pussycat

Yuri’s legs felt like jelly after climbing the stairs to the dorms. Madam Baranovskaya had been completely evil on the first day of the training camp. She’d put them through so many drills that Yuri felt he was becoming part of the barre. He fumbled with the handle of the door of his shared room until it burst open, and threw his bag and then himself on the bed. He didn’t care or bother to look to see if someone else was already there. He was just so tired.

“Hey! You okay?” The voice came from the other bed and Yuri turned his head to see a freckled red-haired boy looking at him in concern.

“No!” Yuri turned his face to the wall.

“Fine.”

The next morning Yuri avoided looking at his roommate, conscious that he had probably behaved badly last night, but too stiff to really care. He stuffed as much breakfast into his face as possible, even though the food was atrocious. He suddenly found he was forcing food through a tight throat as he thought of his grandfather’s cooked breakfasts. Why did he want to come here again? Oh yes, he didn’t have a fucking choice, did he? Grandpa had to go to the hospital for a few days and the camp had been running at the same time. Coach Yakov had insisted that Yuri attend, saying that the ballet would be good for his PCS and flexibility. What other choice did Yuri have? So here he is, forcing down lumpy, overcooked Kasha, ready for another day of torture.

Several days later and Yuri’s temper was getting frayed. Nothing was ever good enough for Madam Baranovskaya. If it wasn’t his posture, it was his hair. That complaint had been particularly painful when she grabbed his head and forced a comb through the fly-away hair and ruthlessly tied it back into a short pony-tail. Tears were leaking from Yuri’s eyes after that and he couldn’t help it. He knew he should have kept a better rein on his temper, but by this point, he just couldn’t. As Madam Baranovskaya released him he turned, furious, red creeping into the sides of his vision.

He felt his finger tingling and pointed it at Madam Baranovskaya, shouting, “I’m not some cat you can groom. You’re the cat!” and stomped off to the side of the room.

“Yuri Plisetsky! You will see me after class.” With that ominous statement, Madam Baranovskaya turned and started to give instructions to the rest of the class.

Yuuri stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall. He felt cold, he never knew quite what was going to happen when he got mad and lost his temper and used the magic finger on someone. He hadn’t done it for years, ever since he’d lost his temper with his grandfather and the poor old man had spent the next two days hopping around the apartment eating lettuce before the effects of the spell wore off.

He had a fair idea where this one was heading though after he’d said the fateful words and he watched Madam Baranovskaya with trepidation, wondering what form the magic would take this time.

Sure enough, a few minutes later one of the girls giggled.

“Irina! Please tell the rest of the class what is so amusing.” Madam Baranovskaya fixed the now trembling girl with a green-eyed glare.

“No..nothing Madam Baranovskaya. Eva just said something funny.” Irina was looking at the floor.

“Hmmm, back to your positions. I want to see precise plies everyone. No slacking. Plisetsky join in, or leave and don’t come back.”

Yuri glanced at the teacher and saw what had caused Irina to giggle. Madam Baranovskaya was now swishing a long, very furry white tail behind her. He swallowed and walked to join the others, a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach mixed with a tinge of satisfaction.

By the end of the class, Madam Baranovskaya had sprouted two furry ears from the top of her head and long cat-like whiskers from the sides of her face. The end of her nose has also turned a slightly darker colour, but that seemed to be the extent of the change. She must have noticed, one wall was entirely mirrored. Yet she hadn’t said anything. Yuri felt relief washing over him as she dismissed the class. Maybe she hadn’t noticed? He tried not to snigger.

“Plisetsky, stay behind.”

He wandered over trying to be nonchalant and older than his thirteen years permitted him.

“I would like an apology for your earlier behaviour. It was totally unacceptable.” Madam Baranovskaya paused, “and what in god’s name has happened to me? Was this your doing?”

Yuri knew this was coming, but he had to struggle not to laugh, even though his knees were shaking.

“I...I’m sorry Madam Baranovskaya. I lost my temper and...and it should only last a couple of days.” Yuuri rushed through the last few words and then bit his lip, twisting his fingers together.

Madam Baranovskaya just stared at him. “Don’t let it happen again.”

As Yuri left he caught a glimpse of her looking at herself in the mirror, did he imagine a faint smile on her face?

 

##  2\. Zamboni Surprise

Victor has sent them both off the ice. For a break, or so  _ he _ calls it. Yuri knows, he just knows, that the tall gangly forehead is just itching to show off in front of the pig, using the excuse of showing Yuuri parts of the Eros routine as a seduction technique. Of course, the pig is completely smitten, not once taking his eyes off the figure on the ice from where he’s leaning on the boards. His mouth was hanging open slightly and was that drool?! Oh for fuck’s sake, why, WHY did he ever think that putting up with these morons was worth it. Fucking hell, he owed it to the world to get Victor back to Russia before he completely embarrassed himself. Who knows, maybe he’ll even go as far as fawning all over the pig in public. Well, Yuri was going to do his best to prevent a public scene on the ice.

“Yuuri! Come and practice this part.” Victor had stopped and was crooking his finger at Yuuri. Of course, the pig nearly fell over his own feet trying to get on the ice too fast.

Yuri made a scornful noise. He would never be that pathetic over some man. Especially one as stupid as Victor. The pig stumbled through the steps at first, but then pulled something out of thin air and did the most beautiful step sequence that nearly had Yuri in tears of jealousy and frustration.

“Yuuri! Try to imagine entangling more of the egg. Think of the pork cutlet bowl!”

What? What the fuck? Was Victor trying to seduce the pig through food now? Hah well, he did say that his Eros was Katsudon. That must have been a blow to Victor’s ego. Yuri quietly snorted to himself.

Funnily enough, Victor’s strategy seemed to be working, though Katsudon’s ears were burning the entire time with the innuendos that Victor was throwing at him. Yuri couldn’t look away once Yuuri started to move properly. There! That was the figure skater he wanted to compete against. This was why he’d been so annoyed at the Grand Prix. Katsuki Yuuri was one of the most graceful skaters competing at the moment and to see him crap out on the ice had sent Yuri’s blood boiling. Katsuki had been so close to being cursed that day in the bathrooms. Luckily Yuri had taken it out on an obnoxious pair of fans just before he lurked outside the stall. So honestly, Katsudon ought to be grateful.

Yuri watched as Victor came right up to Katsudon on the ice and his jaw dropped as Victor lifted Katsudon’s chin and attempted to put out megawatts of charm… by.. .running… his… fucking… thumb… along… jeez! He could feel his finger tingling and he fisted his hand trying to prevent the magic escaping, but he knew it was too late, his emotions were too high. He had to let it out somehow. But he likes Katsudon, okay. He likes the stupid big brown eyed graceful bastard. So he can’t curse Katsudon, gazing at The Forehead on the ice with his stupidly beautiful calf-eyes. He desperately looked around the ice and lit on the Zamboni, waiting quietly inside the maintenance bay. He allowed red to fill his vision and raised his hand.

He lowered his trembling body to the bench behind the barrier, the release of all that pent-up emotion rendering him weak. He rested his head on his hands and sighed. For once he hadn’t cursed a person.

His relief was short-lived. The Zamboni came to life with a rumble and trundled out of the maintenance bay.

 

##  3\. Fish fillet

Yuri laughed and sniggered all evening after the Zamboni incident. Every time he caught sight of Victor and Yuuri’s expressions after they got back to the Onsen he would break out into howls of laughter and have to leave the room. Of course, the incident  _ had _ driven the two of them closer and it was obvious that Victor was delighted with the way Yuuri was pretty much glued to his side now, so you know, Yuri did them a favour really. But the face sucking after they’d escaped was revolting and he’d shouted at them to stop it until they’d separated.

~

Nothing was to be seen of Katsudon and Victor the next morning. The feeling of satisfaction gradually dissipated after breakfast when Yuri began to get bored.

Hiroko had obviously noticed him staring into space with his phone limply held in his hand and he startled with a jerk when she spoke.

“Yuri, kitchen help please.” She beckoned him over and he wasn’t going to argue with the determined look on her face.

“Sure.”

The sight greeting him in the kitchen was one he was not prepared for. “What the fuck is that - sorry!” He quickly apologised when he saw the slightly shocked look on Hiroko’s face. He walked up to the fish sitting on the chopping block in the kitchen and took out his phone.

“This is awesome! It’s so ugly.” He quickly snapped a few photos to post later.

“Dinner...delicious”

Within seconds she had ushered him over to wash his hands and then passed him one of the sharpest knives he had ever seen.

“You help.”

“But I don’t know what I’m doing!” He looked at her and shrugged.

“Is cool.” She placed her hand over his as he smiled at the expression she’d obviously picked up from her kids.

Katsudon and Victor finally appeared and if it was at all possible, Victor seemed clingier than ever. There was always some part of him touching Katsudon. Yuri sneered and then remembered the nicely filleted ugly fish in the kitchen and smiled to himself. He caught Victor looking at him seriously and looked away.

They were quiet at breakfast and Victor made both Yuri’s run an extra mile on the way to the rink. Shouting out instructions to his two students as he cycled along in his deliberately aggravating ‘cheerful voice’. By the time they got to the rink, Yuri could feel the extra mile burning slightly and when Victor ordered them into the gym for stomach crunches Yuri knew this was a form of revenge.

They’d only been allowed a short break to rehydrate and Victor ordered Katsudon onto the ice. One long extended flirting session later and it was Yuri’s turn. As Yuri stepped onto the ice he saw that Victor was standing with one hip cocked and one finger on his lips, gazing at Yuri through his fringe.  _ Shit _ .

Victor was a tough coach, never one to hold back a cutting comment, but this morning he had taken it to the next level. Yuri just couldn’t do anything right.

Victor clapped his hands, “Maybe the temple.”

Yuri gritted his teeth. God this asshole was getting to him this morning. He’d managed not to curse Katsudon yesterday, and he just about managed to stop the splutter of laughter escaping his mouth, but couldn’t help his lips turning up into a smile remembering the previous day.

“Definitely the temple! You need to feel the agape Yurio!”

“What’s the fucking temple, old man?” Yuri yelled.

~

_ Thwack _

Fucking Victor.

_ Thwack _

I’m going to curse him so hard when I get back to that rink.

_ Thwack _

Fucking agape.

_ Thwack _

~

“Your free leg’s sloppy!”

“Hmm… Well, maybe a waterfall would help.”

Yuri’s jaw dropped. “A waterfall?! This is such a load of shit! I’m not a fucking salmon.” The image of the fish he’d filleted this morning rushed through his mind. He allowed his anger to boil over and his vision filled with red.

.

.

.

“Yurio, did you just curse me?” Victor’s voice was only slightly offended.

Yuri coloured up to the roots of his hair and studied the ice. Fuck. “Yeah, I did.”

“So what’s going to happen?” Victor had managed to just stay under Yuri’s radar at the rink in St. Petersburg but then, after seeing what happened to Yakov, everyone there was fairly good at not pushing Yuri to the point of explosion.

Yuri looked up and bit his lip. How do you tell someone that there was a high probability of looking like a fish in their not too distant future? Victor had his arms crossed and was tapping a toe on the ice.

Katsudon was leaning on the boards, looking between them, “What’s going on? Victor? Yuri?”

Victor skated over to the door in the boards and began to take his skates off. “I may only have a few minutes left Yuuri. Our Yurio here has an unusual ability to put a curse on people when he gets very annoyed. As you know he gets annoyed quite a lot.” Victor looked at Yuri again.

Yuuri rushed to grab Victor’s arm. “A few minutes left! Victor! What’s going to happen to you?”

“Ask magic finger boy over there. It took Yakov three days to recover and the Zamboni last night was probably do–ow! Yuuri, I love you!” Victor’s voice was slightly muffled and he fell onto his knees on the floor beside Yuuri and hiding his face, clasped him around the knees. Yuuri shot a panicked look at Yuri. “Ashk hin.” Victor struggled to get the words out and jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Yuri. Yuri rolled his eyes at Victor’s dramatics from the middle of the ice, where he was silently watching the show while scuffing his toe pick.

“Yuri? What’s going to happen to him?”

Yuri opened and closed his mouth for a second realising that he may be feeling just a small amount of guilt, not much, but the look of panic on Katsudon’s face was a little heart-twingeing. Katsudon and Victor had had quite a scare last night when the Zamboni decided to hunt them down while the face painted on the front of it cackled.

“He...he may...there’s...fuck. I was thinking of the fish in your mother’s kitchen that she made me help prepare this morning because I’m not a fucking salmon.” Yuri bit his lip again, torn between laughing hysterically and running back to Yutopia.

“What?” The look of confusion on Katsudon’s face was satisfying and he was still frantically turning between Victor and Yuri.

Yuri took a deep breath. “I can curse people when I get really annoyed. I never know what’s going to happen, but it only lasts for a few days. I was thinking of the fish when Victor suggested a stupid waterfall and so it’s going to be something to do with water or fish or both.”

“Will...will he be OK?” Yuuri was now kneeling next to a rather grey-faced Victor.

“Yeah, he should be, in a few days.”

“You’ll have to tell me the story about Yakov sometime.”

“Yeah. Well. Nevermind, let’s get fish-boy home before it fully takes effect. He might need an aquarium.”

~

Yuri went to the waterfall the next day with Katsudon while Victor hid in his room. The transformation this time hadn’t been as bad as Yuri thought. He was still human shaped, apart from his face...his face. Victor had taken one look in the mirror and screamed - or tried to through the rows and rows of needle-sharp teeth that now filled his extra large mouth and the angler-fish light protruding from his forehead. All in all, Yuri thought it was an improvement, and doubled over laughing again.

**Author's Note:**

> So many thanks go to [Zupsgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fraulein_Zupan) who beta read this for me and encouraged me, and Nikki and Sachi for being incredibly supportive and listening to me read the first chapter out on vc.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought in the comments and kudos fuels my fingers for more writing.
> 
> As always I'm on tumblr [@narcissuspseudonarcissus](https://narcissuspseudonarcissus.tumblr.com/) and twitter [@daffy_dsoh](https://twitter.com/daffy_dsoh). Come and chat!


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